


Peacefully

by sonderness



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Derealization, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Its not bad I promise, Lee Taeyong Gets A Hug, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26679904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonderness/pseuds/sonderness
Summary: When they fall, they hold each other. And when Taeyong isn’t quite in the present, Jaehyun anchors him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67





	Peacefully

**Author's Note:**

> Please be mindful of the tags, though I promise this is just 2k of fluff and Jaehyun thinking.  
> I wrote this a while ago to ground myself and went over it again a few times before getting the courage to publish this lol, this is not meant to diagnose any real person with anything or assume anything about real people, this was really just self-indulgent fluff.  
> (This is my first time tagging so if I missed anything to warn about, please dont hesitate to tell me!)

Taeyong was doing fine.

He took his medicine. He also talked to someone once a week who helped him sort out his thoughts. Everyone agreed that it should be more than once, but he was lucky to even fit one hour a week into his tight schedule.

Still, sometimes he had bad days. Sometimes they were terrible, and they were spent shaking and crying, trembling in the hands of whoever found him, and sometimes they were… ‘his strange days’, as they’ve decided to call them for a lack of better words.

Today was one of them.

“Jaehyun?”

“Do you still love me?”

The singer looked up. It was a warm evening, the two of them sat on the balcony of a hotel Jaehyun couldn’t remember the name of, they’ve been travelling a lot this tour.

Of course he was glad that the group grew in popularity, it showed that all of their hard work paid off, but when it became a chore to remember where they were and their sleep rhythm became so messed up that it seemingly didn’t fit anywhere anymore, it got a bit much.

He had anticipated this to be one of those days, if he was honest. Taeyong had been stressed the last couple days, and today had been too calm. Taeyong always felt off when he went from 100 to 0.

He’d been ok most of the day, they finished the first season of a drama they had started a few weeks ago, he doodled a bit, he even tended to his flowers in Animal Crossing again.

The leader had had a small fight with Doyoung, if you could even call it that, it was more like him reminding the younger of when they had to get up in the morning and the latter responding with a scoff and a “I know” before leaving. Taeyong liked bickering with Dongyoung, but not fighting. Usually it wasn’t that bad, he’d gotten used to the ‘Tom and Jerry’ relationship they had, but today had been a strange day.

Jaehyun got up from the comfortable bench he was sitting on, not before folding the corner of the page he was currently reading, and walked over to where Taeyong leaned against the railing.

It was already dark enough to see the stars and the moon, and Jaehyun watched in fascination as they reflected in the leaders big, dark eyes. He was looking straight forward, to the end of the ocean in front of their hotel. They had gotten lucky this time, he knew that Johnny and Mark ended up with a view into the hotels inner garden.

“Of course,” he answered softly, standing close enough to Taeyong to let him know he was there, but not actually touching. Through trial and error, he had slowly found out when and how to take the right steps of bringing his boyfriend back. It wasn’t a pretty process, but they hadn’t expected it to be anyway. “You know that”

Taeyong took his time to answer, and even then, he only nodded slowly.  
Nonverbal, Jaehyun thought internally. “Remember when we went to Jeju last summer? The wind went through our hair just like now.” The group had spent one of their rare weeks off on the small island on a private beach that was owned by the family of one of Donghyucks old friends.

The older closed his eyes, concentrating on the soft wind flowing around them. His eyes moved behind his eyelids as his hands gripped onto the cold steel of the balcony softly.

Everything felt so calm, so soft right now. But they both knew that this calmness was easily breakable, that just one loud sound or one quick movement could break them out of their little bubble of momentary peacefulness.

“You treated everyone to ice cream, they made a mess.” Jaehyun continued with slight amusement coming over his otherwise warm voice.

Taeyong had once told him that his voice was calming. Whether he spoke in a low tone like right now or he talked excitedly about a new artist he discovered, it always made Taeyong feel safe. Safe and protected from all the coldness and harshness of the world.

It was unfortunate, really, that perfect, incredibly kind Taeyong received so much criticism. In NCT, when one member received backlash, everyone hurt with them, and said member would be pampered by the rest of the group for at least a week.

Taeyong often was the one to initiate the pampering, cooking someone’s favorite food, asking the managers to lay off with schedules and training as much as possible.

He was a good leader; they all knew this. Even those that had been jealous of his favored position at the beginning realized quickly just how fitting he was. He cared a lot for them, and he was, despite everything, resistant. He stood up again after he fell.

Still, sometimes comments from Netizens got to him. Or the strict voice of their trainers, or when he thought about his old dance instructor from his trainee days, who would tell him he’d never make it. If the brain wants something to worry about, it will find something.

Taeyong licked his lips, only poking out the tip of his tongue, taken back to the tase of ice cream.

He took a deep breath, taking in the unique smell of the sea. In the distance, he could hear the leaves of trees rustling that had likely been planted by the hotel.

Jaehyun knew that now, he had to wait. Wait for Taeyong to ground himself, to stand on his tiptoes instead of floating.

He bit back a smile at the original question. It still hurt to be questioned on his feelings for Taeyong, even when he was being as obvious as the light of day. He couldn’t even lie, really, his reddening ears a dead giveaway to the truth.

But he knew that Taeyong didn’t ask to start a fight, or to offend him, he just needed reassurance. And they had come a long way already. At first, the question was just “Do you love me?”. Then, it turned to “Why do you love me?”. Now, Taeyong just asked if he still loved him. He had accepted that he was capable and deserving of being loved, one of his biggest achievements of the last years spent in therapy.

Jaehyun was brought out of his thoughts when the smaller leaned towards him. Jaehyun stepped closer, letting their bare arms touch skin to skin. Taeyongs eyes were open again, still looking ahead of them, to some point between ocean and night sky, but they weren’t as distant and glassed over as before. He was coming back.

They stood like that for a while longer, in comfortable silence and supporting each other. Because that’s what they did, that’s what their first instinct told them to do – care for each other. Even in situations like this, if Jaehyun got hurt, Taeyong would snap out of his stupor and get help, even when it was uncomfortable and carried consequences that they’d have to address later.

And that’s why this was okay. Jaehyun sometimes got annoyed by those who tried to fish for his sympathy, for his empathy. He got sick of it quickly, as soon as he noticed he wasn’t getting anything back.

He had to admit, though, that it usually takes a lot of time until he trusts someone enough to open up to them, and because others were quicker than him, he’d end up only listening, not being able to tell his story once he was ready to because he had been deemed to be the ‘listener’ in the friendship, not the one who would be listened to.

Taeyong was different, though. He was the first one who didn’t look away when he saw Jaehyuns reddened eyes, or his knee bouncing. And he let Jaehyun know he was there, but he didn’t push him. Slowly, Jaehyun opened up to the older, and it was the first time he didn’t start out as the listener.

In turn, Jaehyun didn’t look away either. He saw the weird looking scars on his left arm, on his legs once, too, and while he didn’t address them directly back then, they had still been trainees, too shy and scared of the world, he took Taeyongs arm in his hand where a hoodie sleeve covered the slightly darkened skin, and looked him into the eyes. Understanding, honesty, vulnerability, pity. He wanted to say so much, but his eyes were enough back then.

He watched the scars fade, and when he noticed new ones a few times afterwards, he smuggled sweets and a bag of chips to Taeyongs room and they watched one or two Ghibli movies together.

They had addressed them, afterwards, after they had stopped to appear around a year after Taeyong started to go to therapy. Now, when he saw red crescent moons on Taeyong, he just took his hands, holding until they unclenched. It happened very rarely, though. Even most of his scars had faded.

He felt Taeyongs head leaning on his shoulder, and he turned around to hug the older slowly, as to not jostle him out of his still dazed state of mind.

He sagged into his grip and breathed out slowly, calmly. Jaehyun held him, a steady rock in the current of the sea, one hand on the small of his back, the other carding through his hair.

Again, they kept silent. They rocked back and forth slowly, and Taeyongs arms raised to go around Jaehyuns waist, hugging him.

Jaehyun lowered his head a bit to kiss the top of his lover’s head. “Do you want to go inside again? It’s getting cold out here.”

Taeyong nodded against his chest, lifting himself away from Jaehyun and going inside, with the latter right behind him and a hand on his shoulder blade.

They were already wearing comfortable clothing, so nothing was in the way of them and their comfortable, freshly made hotel bed. Jaehyun laid down on his side, followed by Taeyong who draped himself over the taller, head on his chest so he could hear his steady heartbeat.

They stayed like this for a while, comfortable in the silence that was around them. Jaehyuns fingers moved through Taeyongs bleached and colored hair, alternating between combing through the longer hair on top and stroking his nape. Taeyong let out a relaxed sigh and went lax, sinking even more into his boyfriend’s hold.

Even though it was already late, they wouldn’t sleep yet. Jetlag was something they eventually got used to, had to get used to, but still, they didn’t always have the chance to match their inner clock to the local time.

“Can you show me your town in Animal Crossing?” Jaehyun eventually asked gently, noting that both Taeyong and he himself were getting a bit restless.

Taeyong nodded, yeah, ok, sure, he could do that. He reached over to the small desk on his side of the bed where his console was charging, plugging it off and returning to Jaehyuns side, who had sat up in the meantime and was now leaning against the headboard. Taeyong rested his back against his chest, comfortably resting against him again, while Jaehyun snaked his arms around the smallers waist and leaned his chin on his shoulder.

He listened to Taeyong ramble about the latest developments in his town in a quiet voice, showing off a new villager and the flowers he had planted earlier, and just generally walking around the island. Jaehyun nodded along, more or less actually interested in the game and the way his boyfriend transformed the island into something beautiful. Cottagecore, if he remembered correctly.

They did eventually lie down again to sleep, they still had schedules to attend after all, and Taeyong curled up against Jaehyun, who almost cooed at the cat-like behaviour.

Taeyong fell asleep first and Jaehyun held him protectively, he didn’t always have the chance to do that so he totally took advantage of the times he could. They slept apart from each other more often than not, either because they were staying late at the studio, still working out or getting a new choreography in their head, or because of the rooming arrangements and tired feet that could barely carry themselves to their own rooms, let alone sneak into the rooms of others without any of their managers noticing.

It wasn’t a secret that they were dating, at least not to the other NCT members and the staff that was close to them, but the managers still asked them to tone it down a bit, and to not sleep in each other’s room. Obviously, they did it anyway.

It fortunately didn’t affect their relationship much, of course they would love to be open and show off their love for each other, yet they knew that that would have repercussions they didn’t want to be responsible for. And they still found ways to be with each other, even on camera.

Eventually, Jaehyun fell asleep too. He was looking forward to the next day, they had the whole morning free to lie in bed and cuddle, maybe continue watching the second season of that drama they had begun watching and just spending time with each other. He also knew that Taeyong would likely feel better tomorrow, especially with the schedules continuing, and that meant he’d receive extra cuddles and kisses, as a thanks for being there. Jaehyun always tried to tell him that he didn’t have to do that, that he wasn’t a burden so he didn’t have to do things like that, but the younger quickly realized that Taeyong actually wanted to do that, and because Jaehyun also really liked it, who was he to complain.

And with the gentle wind still blowing outside, they both slept peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading through!  
> To be honest, this is the first time I published anything online in years, and also the first time I published a fanfic in English (although I'd like to say I've gotten quite good at English lol), so I'm a bit anxious about posting this. I'd appreaciate feedback and criticism, but please be kind ;w;  
> I will most likely post again (You cant believe the amount of drafts and prompts I have) but I'm writing a kind of thesis at the moment and concentrating on that, so I don't know when that'll be. Also I'm graduating this year so that'll take time up, but then I'm free for 4 months! Yay!  
> Anyways, that was probably too long for an end note but I promise that's just because it's my first work here haha
> 
> Remember to drink something if you haven't in a while! :)


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